I Love You, William

How? Why? All words that describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach as Sarah, the one I once thought of as family, walks up with the object that occupies the center of my universe, hand in hand. Again the thought of betrayal floods my mind. How could she? When she knew of my love for him?

They have yet to notice me, but when he looks up and meets my stare full of pain and shock his eyes turn into a gaze of longing and sympathy. And then I run. I run past them, through the door, and towards the garden shed. Once inside, the only sound is of a horses hooves in the distance, but they are nothing compared to my sobbing. The sight of Sarah and him together in such a close, loving embrace is too much for me to bear, too much to hold in and too much to be able to stay strong. Why had I believed him when he told me he loved me over and over again? If I had known that I was just a pawn in his game of love, I would have never let myself feel for him they way I do. My love for him is indescribable, but it was real, for me.

The sound of horse hooves get closer, until finally they stop, right in front of the shed I am hidden within. His voice is like a river, smooth and lovely, as he calls out to me, his perfect voice plagued with grief and sadness. My sobbing gives me away as the image of him and my sister come rushing back, like a handful of knives being thrown into my stomach. He is searching through the bushes beside the shed, then on the other side. Finally the wooden door of the shed opens with a creek. When he gaze falls on my broken figure, sobbing on the ground, he leans down and scoops me to sit upon his lap. No matter how hard I shove, it is no use, for he is no longer the boy I met all those years ago, as I am no longer the gushing little girl, we have both matured into everything we promised we wouldn’t become.

As his gaze burns into my face, I still refuse to meet it, I wouldn’t be able to keep the control that I am fighting so hard to keep, the control I need to tell him I never want to see him again, although that is a lie. He tells me that it is not what it seems, that Sarah needed his help gathering the water from the well, that it was her that grabbed his hand, that I was the love of his life. I wanted to believe him, truly I did, but how can I be certain that this is not another part of his game? How will I ever be certain that he will not one day grow old of my presence and move on to another, more beautiful girl?

It took me minutes to figure out that I was talking aloud. When I could no longer resist the urge to look at his beautiful face, I gasped. His expression was full of a emotion I thought I would never see upon his face, an expression of more than pain, an expression of anguish. How could I ever believe for one second that he wouldn’t want me one day? He asked me. How could I ever doubt him like that? I knew I was slowly ripping his heart out, but he deserved better than me, he deserved to be able to marry whoever he pleased. I didn’t want to take that away from him, I couldn’t. I stare him right in the eyes, and tell him, I can’t go on seeing him, for I do not feel the way he wishes me to. I do not love you William.

With that he arms loosen and I slip through his grasp, out the door. I don’t hear him behind me but when I turn, there he is, with tears upon his cheeks. The sight of his weeping figure is too much for me, so for the second time that day, I find myself running, only this time it is not away from William. I embrace him with a forceful hug and stretch up on my tiptoes to reach his ear. I whisper, I love you William, and then I am gone running for the house, never to see him again.